I can tuck mytits in my pants
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
