Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
