True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
