He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
