god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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