____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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