Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Randomize
