Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
