Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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