Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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