The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
