he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
you inspire me to be a worse person
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
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