I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Randomize
