Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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