I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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