Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
why do cheetos always look like penises
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
