i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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