im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
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