I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
