just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Randomize
