apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
