dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Drunk is a universal language darling
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
