so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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