I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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