how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
pop tarts are not kleenex
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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