New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
