Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
