I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
