please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
