if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
