gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
