y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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