I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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