Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
