Can i not drive my cunt home
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
