We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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