i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
