If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Mom said you looked used
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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