sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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