I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
