I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
