When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
