...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
