This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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