I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
