My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
