fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
