If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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