K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
