Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
