There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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