Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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