This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
